Following the announcement of in impending "surge" of US troops in Iraq the world media announced today that they will begin laying off words which can be replaced with the much cheaper and popular word "surge" In the two weeks since the announcement of the troop surge there has been an even more pronounced surge in the surge of the use of the word surge on news broadcasts and websites. Stocks have surged, currencies have surged, in fact just about everything that is capable of surging is now surging as opposed to doing some bland over used word such as "rising"
Annalists predict that the surge in the use of the word surge will continue into Q4 this year when the stock and property markets surge (downwards) to be followed by a surge in layoffs, mortgage defaults, and bankruptcies.
Following a foiled terrorist plot targeting a number of flight from London to America the Transportation Security Administration announced today that personal hygiene on all trans-Atlantic flights is to be laid off with immediate affect. Beginning today air marshals will arrest and deport to Guantanamo bay "any passenger who carries onto a plain restricted personal hygiene items including toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant, shampoo, hair gel, or any other toiletry that might be used to allow a passenger to arrive at the destination not reeking like a homeless wino."
President Bush has appealed to the traveling public for their understanding and cooperation in complying with the new regulations which are required to protect the American people against the ever growing threat of terrorism."Remember. If you can kiss your wife in the arrival hall without your breath melting her mascara, the terrorists win!"
Terrorist organization Al Qaeda have today unveiled their much anticipated plan to disrupt the November U.S. presidential election. Their plan is to do absolute nothing thus allowing Dubya and Jeb to once again turn it into a comical farce. "The infidels of America will suffer for their sins", read the anonymous message detailing the plan, which was posted on an Arab language discussion board. "They should begin mourning their working class now. We tell the criminal Bush and his followers that the SUVs of death will not stop at Iowa, New Hampshire, Delaware, Missouri or South Carolina so long as Bush continues to trade blood for oil. Four more years! Four more years! Insha Allah."
Due to the accelerating economic recovery and surge in IT hiring the organizers of Comdex, one of the worlds largest technology exhibitions, announced that they have decided to cancel the show this year. Analysts hailed the move as solid proof that the US economic recovery is accelerating into it's third year.
"It is absolutely not true that we canceled [the show] because the recovery is bullshit and more people are out of work than any time since the depression" said Herbert Waffle, exhibition spokesman. "We simply feel that with so many people working so busily in well paying jobs eager to spend their copious disposable income, that it would be best to let them spend this November working and shopping. There are plenty of overpriced high tech gadgets languishing on the shelves for them to buy. We don't need them to be distracted by previews of the smaller, faster, more versatile devices that the Europeans and Asians have been using since early 2003."
In an unrelated story President Bush announced his plans to extend the Florida policy of not counting votes from minorities to all fifty states to allow minorities to spend the whole day working and shopping on November 2nd.
The US Job Growth Rate soared, payrolls exploded, job pictures brightened, investors heartened, and the dollar strengthened Friday on news that unemployment had risen to 5.7%. The Whitehouse was not immediately available for comment on what a "Job Growth Rate" was, and no one else seemed to know, however it was generally accepted as good news. Based on actually numbers, the best guess is that "Job Growth Rate" means a lot of jobs were created in a specific set of industries but not necessarily as many as were lost in those specific industries, all excluding industries where a lot of jobs were lost that we don’t want to talk about. This is also known as the "Placing a bet for $5, getting $3 back, and bragging that you won $3" syndrome.
"Job Growth Rate" is a statistic similar to the "Dozens of Weapons of Mass Destruction Related Activates" quoted by Bush in his State of the Union address, in that they were both just made up on the spot and sound important, but don't actually mean anything.
In other news the "US Troops Alive in Iraq" rate soared as Bush deployed another 2,000 troops to offset the seven that were killed today.
The US military announced today that they have removed the ruthless unelected dictator from the country without a single shot being fired. The man, who is responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians and has invaded two middle east countries is now safely in US custody at a high security facility in Washington DC. He was airlifted out of Iraq before dawn on the 27th of November following a Thanksgiving breakfast-dinner with US troops, and is currently safely back in the oval office.
In an unrelated story, former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was captured yesterday.
Microsoft announced that it would stop offering support for Windows 98 next month, and lay off Fred Bartlett the sole employee responsible for producing security patches for the operating system. Microsoft will also discontinue the pay-per-incident telephone support service manned by Bartlett which allowed users to pay $35 per call to get an answer to one simple question about why the software is defective.
According to International Data Corp, a technology market research firm that makes up the numbers, about 20% of all windows users have not been suckered into upgrading beyond Windows 98. Microsoft spokesman Sean Sundwall said "The support phase-out should not cause major problems. This is in part because businesses, the largest market for PC's, tend to upgrade their computers every three to five years, and in part because the 20% of our customer base still running Windows 98 will be forced to upgrade because our evil, criminal, and monopolistic business tactics have left them with no alternative to switch to."
Department of Homeland Security Warns of Dotcom Bombs
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge warned yesterday of the renewed threat of Dotcom bombs. "This is a credible but non-specific threat. There have been reports of increased chatter in the Dotcom IPO market, in particular the use of phrases such as 'disintermediating brick and mortar e-markets' and 'synergistically revolutionising user-centric technologies'. We don't know what these phrases mean, but we know they mean no good."
A Dotcom bomb is built of the same type of material used to make a successful online business, but lacking the necessary substance to reach critical mass. They are much easier to construct and can contaminate a large area. A number of Dotcom bombs dropped on the IPO Market in the late 90's rendered the area uninhabitable for several years. In response to this announcement the Dotcom IPO Threat Level was elevated from "Hit Rock Bottom and Started Digging" to "Hit Rock Bottom"
A local resident, who has spent the last three years living at the expense of taxpayers, found brief employment on Thursday. For a fleeting two hours the man was able to cease being a burden on society and contribute as a productive working individual. Originally scheduled to fill in as a waiter serving Thanksgiving dinner to US troops in Baghdad, he forgot about the time difference and showed up for work at 5:00 in the morning. Fortunately he was able to swap shifts with another waiter, and serve the 600 soldiers who happened to be filing in for their traditional 6:00 AM Thanksgiving dinner. He was compensated for his two hours of service with "a warm meal".
In retaliation for proposed anti-trust remedies which would require the company to provide Windows without a built in media player, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates threatened to install Windows XP on every personal computer in the European Union. According to Gates "All copies of reliable windows operating systems, such as Windows NT 4.0 and Windows 2000 Professional, will be replaced with the substandard Windows XP version, based on our core Microsoft Bob technology." Gates also threatened to permanently enable the Paperclip "Office Assistant" if the EU commission "even mentioned the word Netscape".
The state of California announced on Monday that Governor Gray Davis has been laid off, and replaced by Nobel laureate and Mensa member Arnold Schwarzenegger. In Southern California Schwarzenegger received over 70% of the votes cast by the handful of residents who are not illegal immigrants or convicted felons.
Governor Schwarzenegger, along with Lieutenant Governors Hanz und Franz, pledged to "pump up" the little girlie boy state. More importantly, he also promised that this would be the last asinine reference he would make to his so-called acting career.
The National Association of Little Girlie Boys has demanded a formal apology for his remark.
AOL Time Warner announced on Thursday that the company has decided to lay off AOL. The company will now be known simply as Time Warner. AOL served as the first word in the company name since 2001, when America Online purchased Time Warner for $163 billion in AOL shares. These shares now have a total net value of $19.95. A statement issued by the AOL Time Warner board of directors explained that the motivation for the move was that "we finally came to our senses".
Hundreds of Iraqis huddled in squalor this week, without potable water or electricity. The Iraqis, who were attending a conference in Manhattan and staying at The Plaza, were among millions of residents in North Eastern America plunged into disarray when a massive portion of the North American power grid failed. More than a dozen states across the North East of the country were affected, including New York, and Ontario. The United Nation pledged 13.5 billion in humanitarian aid to assist the struggling third world country with establishing reliable infrastructure.
Local resident Scott Davidson's penis announced on Monday that it would be forced to lay off three inches following the installation of sp@mmers.com anti-spam software Spamzilla™ on Scott's home computer. Without the monthly supplement of P E N I S enlargement pills (as see on TV) available exclusively though this one time mailing limited opt-in offer, the penis will be forced to lay off its extra three inches. This will result in Scott's fully erect penis size being reduced to 4.75 inches, slightly above average for a white man of his age.
Scott will now also have to pay for his Florida Vacations and miss out on dozens of lucrative Nigerian money laundering schemes.
North East America announced on Friday that the region had laid off an unprecedented number of electrons, resulting in power outages throughout most of the region. News of the announcement came five days later, as power was gradually restored to the area. The layoffs are the largest since the 2001 layoffs in California when governor Gray Davis failed to pay his electric bill. Coincidentally, the California Office of Trade and Investment in Hong Kong also has a history of not paying their bills.
Expert believe that the blackout started an Cleveland and spread quickly to other cities because the electric companies have not yet invented the circuit breaker.
US president George W. Bush announced on Friday that the country would be restating the last six quarters estimates of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. The announcement follows two quarters of dismal performance by the US task force charged with locating evidence of an Iraqi chemical, biological, or nuclear weapons programme. Bush said that the adjustment is due to changes in accounting procedures designed to bring the US WMD accounting system more inline with accepted industry standards. Under the new accounting methods weapons auditors will be responsible for looking for evidence of regimes pursuing WMD programmes, as opposed to manufacturing it.
Answering one of the most profound scientific questions of all time, the fate of the universe was established on Friday when the universe announced that it had filed for bankruptcy. The announcement came as a shock to most scientists who generally favoured either the "Open" or "Closed" universe model. Under the open universe model the universe would continue to expand forever until it became a dark cold lifeless void. Under the closed universe model the universe would eventually begin to contract, shrinking smaller and smaller until it occupied a single point, and began the expansion process again in a new "Big Bang". In what is being dubbed the "WorldCom" universe model, the universe expands at an ever increasing rate driven by an unexplainable, invisible force, in this case called "dark matter". Thorough investigations and audits by the best teams of scientists on the planet fail to find any evidence of "dark matter". The universe is then investigated by the SEC, forced to restate it's mass. This is followed by a number of contractions, after which it is sold off for a dime on the dollar.
Quest Communications International Inc on Thursday announced an additional $3.1 billion in loses as part of the company's perpetual restatement of the last three years earnings.
In an unrelated story Quest announced earnings of $150 million for Q1 2003. The results include a $206 million gain from changing their method of accounting for the cost of long-lived assets.
In another unrelated story, in 2006 Quest will again be investigated by the SEC and forced the restate the previous three years earnings due to accounting fraud related to their 2003 decision to change their method of accounting for the cost of long-lived assets.
The Detroit Pistons announced on Saturday that head coach Rick Carlisle had been fired. "This was a difficult decision to make" said Joe Dumars, president of basketball operations. "Rick is a really great guy, but his performance has, quite frankly, been unacceptable. The head of a major organisation in the post-dotcom era is expected to announce poor results. Losses, layoffs, failures, and scandals. Despite repeated warnings he is done nothing but produce positive results, including two consecutive Central Division Titles. He really didn't leave us with any other choice"
Shares in the Pistons closed 4.3% higher on Saturday at $6.84 as investors speculated that the now doomed company may be added to the AOL-Time Warner "It's a dog so we'll buy it" portfolio.
President Bush's spokesman Ari Fleischer announced on Monday that he
will resign some time in July.
"This is a wonderful job. I love this job, I love President Bush,
I believe deeply in President Bush, policies and the man. But there comes
a time in public service when you become so full of shit that your eyes
are brown" Fleischer said. "I've been doing nothing but giving
the American public a handjob for 21 years. It's time I took some time
off to do the same for myself."
Dotcom
Layoff Counter:
28,308,085
Top
10 Tech Jobs for 2002
Job Title
$/Year
Guy selling
phone and credit cards on the corner of 3rd street
$250,000
Dual all
beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese pickle, onion, on a sesame seed
bun, strategic integration facilitateor
$9,800
Chevron
Petroleum deployment customer service engineer
$9,200
Guy who
cleans the lint out of the mice
$8,500
Guy who
cleans the lint out of the keyboards
$8,300
Guy who
cleans the lint out of the guy who cleans the lint out of the keyboards
and mice
A local resident, who has spent the last three years living at the expense of taxpayers, found brief employment on Thursday. For a fleeting two hours the man was able to cease being a burden on society and contribute as a productive working individual. Originally scheduled to fill in as a waiter serving Thanksgiving dinner to US troops in Baghdad, he forgot about the time difference and showed up for work at 5:00 in the morning. Fortunately he was able to swap shifts with another waiter, and serve the 600 soldiers who happened to be filing in for their traditional 6:00 AM Thanksgiving dinner. He was compensated for his two hours of service with "a warm meal".
President Bush's spokesman Ari Fleischer announced on Monday that he
will resign some time in July.
