e-dundant

Following Friday's announcement that SCO was contemplating legal action against all commercial Linux users, SCO has broadened the scope of their planned action and are now going to sue everybody.
"Similar to analogous efforts underway in the music industry to sue everyone who has ever listened to music, we are prepared to take all actions necessary to sue everyone who has ever used a computer" announced Chris Sontang, Senior Vice President of SCOsource. "With this announcement we are letting people know that all computers are an unauthorised derivative of our intellectual property. We need to let people know that legal liability will rest with the computer users"
Mr. Sontang had to be put down because there is no known cure for the mental disorder he is suffering from.

President Bush has announced a major shake-up in the interim Iraq Administration, including the firing of retired general Jay Garner, head of the post-war administration. The move comes following a pledge by the president to provide the Iraqi people with all the benefits of the American way of life.
"True freedom can not be obtained by simply living in a country that is not run by a ruthless tyrant", explained Bush in his speech to the Iraqi people. "True freedom is obtained when you are free to live as you choose, worship as you choose, and work as you choose. Or to not work, if your boss chooses to fire you.
He may choose to fire you because the economy has gone to hell. He may choose to fire you because, thanks to my new tax cuts, he does better to invest in dotcom stocks than in a good solid company like the one you work...er used to work for. Or he may choose to fire you because he can get someone from India in on an H-1B visa to do your job at half your salary.
His ability to choose why he wants to sack you is what makes this country so great. Layoffs. They're as American as apple pie. It's only fair that the Iraqi people be allowed to share in this time honoured American tradition. "

Federal Reserve policy makers have expressed concern over the possibility that the US economy might experience deflation. Economists speculate that this raises the odds for further interest rate cuts at the Fed's next meeting on June 24-25.
The Fed has slashed interest rates to the bone over the past two years in an effort to curb inflation. Although deflation and inflation are exact opposites the remedy for each is the same. For critics of the Fed who claim that they only blow hot air this should serve as proof that they can blow hot and cold in the same breath.

SINGAPORE (Reuters) The Roman Catholic church has suspended confessions in Singapore due to fears over the deadly SARS virus, resulting the firing of over one hundred priests. The Arch-Bishop of Singapore has issued a directive to the priests that there will be no person to person confessions. Sinners wishing to confess may visit the church's Online Confessional System at Click4Absolution.com.

Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein announced on Tuesday that he would step down as leader of the war ravaged country, and seek exile in an as yet unnamed Arab state. Hussein said the decision was in the best interests of the Iraqi people, and would save countless lives.
During a victory speech given by US President George W Bush the Iraqi leader went on air once again, announced that it was an April Fools prank, and mooned the president.

A group of petty third world dictators announced on Monday that a long awaited agreement to unify the wording of their press releases has been reached. The merger will result in layoffs of nearly 100 rabid zealots who have "valiantly opposed the aggressions of the imperialists dogs" for over half a century.
Amongst those announced in the layoffs was Abu Aba Daba Daba Daba Bin Wanken who coined such phrases as "The Evil Satan of America", and "The Mother of All Wars".
"How could our beloved, great and fearless leader Saddam allow the evil Satan of America to rain down destruction on me in such a way! How am I to feed my four wives and all my little suicide bombers? Surely Allah does not expect me to write blasphemous lies like the servants of the infidel in the neighbouring lands!"
A decision to release all insane tirades in English was vetoed by a representative from the leader of the third world, who insisted that all releases should be made in French.

US Defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced on Friday that Iran had been laid off from the Axis of Evil for not being evil enough.
"While Iran has recently acknowledged an active nuclear programme they claim that it is being developed solely to generate electricity, and have agreed to inspections. They have failed to be uncooperative, and failed to threaten to destroy the evil Satan of America. If they are, in fact, evil they are at best the diet coke of evil. As such their membership in the Axis of Evil is being immediately revoked for conduct unbecoming and Evil Axonion.
Iran will be replaced by France on Monday when the nation of unbathed snail munchers vetoes a UN resolution that could jeopardise payment for billions of dollars in weapons and dual use products that France illegally supplied to Iraq over the past decade.

In preparation for the war with Iraq the US government has begun to deploy the most feared weapons in their arsenal, Unsolicited Email. President Bush has called up 5,000 AOL Reservists to carry out an email blitz targeting millions of Iraqi email addresses. This one time mailing contains exclusive offers including:
Amateur Housewives Unveiled
Amazing Weapons Loss Capsules
Increase the range of your S C U D by 6 km
Free Florida Vacation and Flight School Training
Exterminate Thousands While You Sleep
Enhance Your Sex Life
Save 50% on Camels, and other cigarettes
Each message includes removal instructions that look conspicuously like a picture of Saddam Hussein wearing a hangman's noose.

Congress has demanded full accounting of all missing funds and assets at Los Alamos National Laboratory as the investigation into the laboratory that produced the first nuclear bomb is expanded. The situation was brought to a head in November when inspectors were asked to leave after filing an unfavourable report with the Department of Energy.
Despite a regime change at the laboratory last month inspectors still feel that they are not receiving full cooperation. There is still nearly $5 million in fund unaccounted for. Inspectors believe that much of this money may have been diverted to purchase boats, SUVs, and consumer electronics. It if feared that this will allow Los Alamos scientists to spend more time at leisure, at the expense of developing weapons of mass destruction.

The board of Siebel Systems Inc. announced on Thursday that they had voted unanimously to force chief executive and founder Tom Siebel to swallow a poison pill. Siebel recently cancelled $56 million worth of stock options, in order to placate shareholder outrage over the millions he has skimmed from the company through options scams. The options are, in fact, worthless. Due to the more than 800% nose-dive the stock has done, the options are so far underwater that even a Black-Scholes valuation model can't save them.
The board declined to disclose the nature of the poison pill Siebel will swallow, but assured shareholders that his death would be slow and painful.
The board also voted to approve a shareholder rights plan.

There may be truth in wine, but it's hard to come by in the financial results of Veritas Software Corp. The purveyor of overpriced tape drives announced on Friday that they would restate results for the last two years. The accounting change involves another goods for ads scam with AOL. Milberg Weiss announced on Tuesday that a class action has been commenced on behalf purchasers of VERITAS publicly traded securities during the period between January 24, 2001 and January 16, 2003. If you traded Veritas shares during this period please contact William Lerach or Darren Robbins of Milberg Weiss. They will assist you in locating a qualified medical technician who can ensure that you are rendered incapable of passing your defective genes on to future generations.

With a name that has become synonymous with accounting fraud and mismanagement WorldCom announced today that they were contemplating a name change. Taking a page from the dotcom scammer handbook WorldCom executives are betting that by picking a new buzzword filled name they can attract the kind of ignorant investors who once hurdled the shares of the worthless company to a peak of $65. Under the Trade Descriptions Act the only other name available for use by WorldCom is WorldCON.

Senator Trent Lott resigned his position as Majority Leader today under mounting criticism over his comments supporting Strom Thurmond's 1948 presidential campaign. Thurmond ran the campaign on a pro-segregation platform.
"I am truly sorry for this horrible misunderstanding", said Lott at a press conference announcing the decision. "I have decided to step down as party leader today, because of the huge amount of controversy over my comments praising Senator Thurmond. But I'd like to set the record straight.
Everyone seems to think that I supported his campaign because of the segregation issue. That couldn't be further from the truth. What I supported was the Thurmond Communication Bill. Strom has always placed more faith in the Pony Express than new fangled electrical type communications, and was introducing a bill to outlaw any communications based on this unnatural devilish power. Just think of it. No spam. No credit card fraud. No expensive long distance charges.
If you stupid porch monkeys spent more time studying than you did eating watermelon and fried chicken, you woulda dun figgered this out on your own."

WorldCom announced today that the total of their accounting fraud was expected to top $9 billion. The announcement shocked analysts, well at least the two of them who hadn't been expecting it for weeks. Including the bankruptcy filings of subsidiaries, WorldCom has now filed for Bankruptcy nearly 50 times.
Click Here to add an announcement of additional WorldCom accounting fraud as a recurring appointment in your calendar.

U.S District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly announced today, that she had laid off 100 billion brain cells in preparation for her ruling in the Microsoft anti-trust case. The move is seen as a key requirement for approval of the DOJ settlement, which would have been rejected by any idiot with half a brain.
Following the layoffs the judge announced that she had approved the DOJ settlement with a few minor changes. In addition to the restrictions imposed by the settlement, Microsoft will not be forced to comply with it, and Bill Gates will be legally entitled to sodomize any person (or beast) he chooses.
The announcement was made with the help of a device that translates sign language of apes into human speech. Due to the judges dramatically diminished mental ability she was unable to form words, let alone an intelligent statement.
More layoffs are planned if the states which refused to settle appeal the decision.

The WWF, WCW and ECW announced more than 200 layoffs on Monday, following a record 180 million pay-per-view customers for last nights "Insane Dictators Smackdown" staring That Wacky Iraqi, Sodam Insane, and Dubya, "The Unelected". The 15 minute match pitted the overweight Iraqi dictator against the former Yale cheerleader in a no-holds-barred extreme cage fight for the WWF "Insane Egomaniac World Champion" belt. After fifteen minutes of battering each other with fold-up chairs of mass destruction the two out of shape dictators collapsed on each other and promptly died, provoking roars of applause from the audience.
Citing the staggering difference in revenue derived from staging contrived conflicts between world leaders, and staging contrived conflicts between large men in tights, WWF owner Vince Macmahon announced the immediate layoff of 140 sports entertainment superstars with more to follow next week.
Among those laid off was Stone Cold Steve Austin "The Rattle Snake", who will be replaced by Yes Man Tony Blair "The Sidekick". Stone Colds trademark WHAT? T-shirt will be replaced with a Gieves & Hawkes striped blue and pink dress shirt with white collar and cuffs, reading "Pardon me. I'm terribly sorry I didn't catch that the first time. Would you be so kind as to please repeat that once again?" Beer guzzling and belching following a successful match will be replaced with a quiet spot of tea and cucumber sandwiches.
Other changes announced by Mr. Macmahon at the press conference were: Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley will be immediately replaced with Hillary Rodham Clinton. Al Gore will get "The Raw Deal". Kurt Angle will take on the job of sadistic and insane American hero Donald Rumsfield. Jessie Ventura will be replaced by the governor of Minnesota.

President Bush called on the United Nations Thursday, to pass a tough resolution forcing a regime change at software giant Microsoft. Having already garnered support from Sun Microsystems and Apple Computer, Bush urged the U.N. security council to use authorise the use of force.
"For the last ten years Bill Gates has been overtly developing Operating Systems of Mass Destruction, and inflicting them on the people of America. He has used these to attack nearly every aspect of American life, with devastating consequences. Anyone who ever lost six months of work in a Windows 98 crash knows just how destructive these weapons can be."
Apple CEO Steve Jobs has asked the president if he could personally execute Gates.

Baghdad-- Iraqi leader Sodam Insane announced on Monday that he was laying off 50 scientists from a top secret bio-weapons development facility at Tuwaitha. The move comes in response to a statement made by U.S. President George W Bush last week saying he would "Kick the fucking shit out of that God damn mother-fucker camel shagging asshole." Further pressure was also put on Iraq by Tony Blair, who backed the U.S. President, saying "Yeah, me too". Other European leaders refused to comment, as they continued trying to come up with a pair of bollocks between the lot of them.
Iraq has been quietly developing weapons of mass destruction since the first President Bush woosed out and failed to wax the dune coon in 1991.

Congress announced on Friday that they had voted unanimously earlier in the day to repeal Moore's law. Enacted in 1965, the law required that technology be doubled every eighteen months. Blaming poor consumer demand for failing to provide adequate revenue for research and development, leading manufactures have been lobbying to get the law off the books ever since they failed to deliver a $500 3Ghz CPU, 500GB HDD, 2.5GB RAM machine in Q2 2000 as required by the law.
Public response to the decision was largely positive, as hundreds of thousands of Palm Pilot users took to the streets in celebration. Safe in the knowledge that their 8MB PDAs, which can not sync with any major contact management software and have only recently been endowed with small half size colour screens, are no longer illegal, they held a rally in support of the decision.
The only negative reaction was at Microsoft, where 15,000 workers were made redundant when the company closed a department who's sole function was to move menus and settings around in each new version of Windows and Office, in order to comply with the legal requirement to release a major upgrade every 18 months. A separate bill sponsored by Strom Thurmond (R-SC), to officially replace e-mail with telegraph, failed to pass by a narrow margin.

Register.com, the second largest registrar in America, announced on Wednesday that the company expected to miss third quarter earnings projections.
"Because we are such a shitty company, and customers are fleeing like rats off the sinking ship that we are, we have been forced to write off any bit of goodwill we might have had left. In addition, revenue has been hit by penalty fees, and credit card charge-backs, because we are stinking scammers who bill customers even when they have requested to transfer their domains to another registrar." read a statement released by Register.com. Register.com was not immediately available for comment, in fact after four and a half hours on hold at the customer service hotline they still weren't available.

Hell - Lucifer, the father of all lies, announced on Thursday that Hell has laid off 5,000 damned souls. Pinkslips were issued at the end of day on Wednesday, souls were given just two hours to collect personal belongings and leave Hell. The layoffs were met with surprisingly little wailing and gnashing of teeth.
"Times are tough" explained Satan. "Things have really gone to...well, Hell. Ever since we signed the Kyoto Protocol we have really had to cut back on the fire and brimstone. I should have never backed out of that alliance with Dubya. Never the less we are still on track for expansion next year. Jerry [Falwell] is doing an excellent job up there, and we expect an excellent harvest in 2003"
In an unrelated story New York city announced on Friday an unprecedented record of 3,487 new law practices set up in a single day.

Americans paused, yesterday, to remember the tragedy of 9/11. Among them were nearly three and a half million unemployed web designers, project managers, and other tech workers, many of who are approaching their own anniversary of three years on the dole. Spending an average of sixteen hours each day watching television, they have been uniquely touched by the images of two airliners crashing into the twin World Trace Center towers, 264,083 times since the morning of September 11 2001. Yesterdays 12,409 replays of the video clips served as a solemn reminder that sometimes the Discovery Channel has something on besides copulating critters.

US telecommunications giant WorldCom re-filed of Bankruptcy on Friday, after announcing finding an additional $3.3 billion in improper accounting. This brings the total of improperly declared debt to $7.15, an increase of nearly 50%. Being even more broke than at the last filing allows the company to file for a never before used Chapter 11 and 1/2 bankruptcy protection. Under Chapter 11.5 the company will be allowed more time to doctor it's books, and the summary execution of board members ordered under Dubyas new corporate and accounting fraud law will be stayed until the end of the month.

In the wake of poorer than expected second quarter earnings Heaven announced Friday that it would cut staff and miss third quarter estimates. The news follows a dramatic drop in donations from church goers, and mounting costs of litigation. The Holy Spirit made the announcement on behalf of the Father and the Son, who were in Massachusetts testifying on behalf of Father Paul Chanley. Father Chanley has been charged with child rape.
"Thus sayeth the Lord. I am the Lord thy God. Due to this sudden and unexpected decline in revenue, and faced with the mounting legal costs I have made the decision to implement these cost cutting reductions to stabilise cash flow and protect the interest of the shareholders. Yeah I say unto you that still one third more of the hosts of heaven shall be cast down into the fiery pit of hell and burn for all eternity in the lake of fire and sulphur with the beast and the false prophet"
These layoff are the largest since a great red dragon with seven heads and ten horns swept down a third of the stars of heaven and cast them to earth with his tail.

First Sun "put the dot in .COM". Next Linux made .ORG synonymous with opensource. Finally Bill Gates realised the internet wasn't going to go away and launched Microsoft .NET. Now Macintosh, the also-ran of the personal computer world, has decided to adopt one of the original TLD's, and is launching their .EDU initiative. At the ubiquitous overly-hyped launch Apple Chief Executive Steve Jobs explained the companies strategy behind .EDU.
"Well we really didn’t have many choices. .EDU and .GOV were the only original TLD's left. It was a tough call . People already associate .GOV with things that are slow, inefficient, and expensive. It would've fit like a glove. In the end though we realised that our biggest demographic user base is art school students between the age of 17 and 45. .EDU just made sense."
People who attended the launch applauded the move. Peter Smith, a twelfth year student at CalArts summed it up well.
"I have always associated Macs with education. I used a Mac at school. My first job when I left school was to design a corporate network. I used all Macs. That was a real learning experience. I was sacked so fast I was able to enrol in the fall without missing a semester."
When Jobs was questioned on the use of the .EDU name, which is reserved for educational institutions he responded. "Duh! With the release of OSX Mac is officially a product of UC Berkley"

Boeing announced 5,000 layoffs on Tuesday, as the US government cancelled a major contract for developing a guidance system for the National Missile Defence system, better known as Star Wars. Citing lacklustre performance, and failure to deliver a working prototype on time the government awarded the contract to the Swiss Air Traffic Controllers Union after an impressive demonstration of high speed, high altitude targeting on July 1st.
Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer explained the governments motive in altering the contract.
"The US government is really impressed with what the Swiss Air Traffic Controller folks achieved here. Causing two high speed objects to collide in mid air while travelling at 400 miles per hour is like shooting a hair off a gnat's ass at two and a half miles. And they managed to do this even with the ACS electronic countermeasures installed in each of the aircraft. Hot Damn!"

Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan announced Monday that the U.S. would restate the last six quarters GNP, GDP, Unemployment figures, and other key economic indicators. The move comes following an announcement by independent auditors that the figures were "total bullshit"
"I guess someone finally figured out that with an average of 150,000 layoffs a month for the last two years that it was really impossible to have unemployment of only 5.9%" said Greenspan. "And I guess they also figured out that whole 'recovery' scam as well"

Despite recent bad news in unemployment, and consumer confidence figures, market analysts have announced a remarkable recovery in demand for Baileys flavoured Ice-cream. Baileys Flavoured Ice-cream is a desert so gloriously smooth, so deliciously creamy, with the distinctive BAILEYS® Original Irish Cream flavour, produced by Haagen-Dazs Inc. of Wilkes-Barre, PA.
Baileys Flavoured Ice-cream demand surged 8.3% in June, a figure 5.1% higher than the same period last year
Merrill Lynch analyst Richard Weed believes that this is a clear indicator that a strong recovery is underway. "Sure no one can afford to buy a house, and unemployment figures are at a 15 year high, but the fact that so many people are willing to blow five bux on a couple spoon fulls of artificially flavoured ice proves that people are, once again, willing to blow their hard earned cash on really silly things. It's got alcohol in it to!"

President Bush proposed Tuesday new criminal penalties for corporate financial misconduct. As a result he will serve the next five years in a federal penitentiary for his illegal sale of $848,000 of Harken Energy stock in 1990. Vice President Dick Cheney will serve 15 years for his diversion of government funds to Halliburton and its subsidiaries throughout the '90s. Former president Bill Clinton will serve three months for his involvement in the White Water fraud. His sale of nuclear secrets to China, perjury before congress, and theft of furniture from the White House are not covered by this proposal. Hillary will serve ninety nine consecutive life terms for being an evil witch.

An investigation has been launched into the second largest telecommunications carrier after internal audits revealed that the company had hidden over five billion in expenses from shareholders through improper accounting methods. The scandal will likely force the company into bankruptcy, which will be the largest ever in US history.
President Bush, a close personal friend of three company executives who have been indicted in the investigation expressed concern. "I am concerned about the potential economic impact from the WorldCom accounting scandal. Even more concerned than when two of my best friends were indicted in the Enron scandal."
Wall Street responded with shares sharply higher because, well, a lot of people are just plain stupid.

In a landmark ruling on Friday the court of appeals upheld Thirty Seven Godzillion patents covering every possible permutation of human DNA. The patents, held by mad scientist Gunter Frankenfurter, were originally filled in 1994 and give him complete ownership of all human DNA. Anyone who wishes to make use of DNA covered by one of these patents will be required to licence it from Frankenfurter.
At a press conference following the ruling Frankenfurter announced a flexible range of licensing options to suit both corporate and home users. All users will be required to pay royalties based on revenue generated while they have DNA in their bodies. They will also be required to address Dr Frankenfurter as Lord Frankenfurter, Supreme Ruler of the World.
Additional royalties will be charged based on the amount of work produced while using the DNA. Bankers, Lawyers, Accountants, and employees of dotcoms will therefore have no additional charge. The plan also provides a multi-tiered system for sub-licensing of DNA so that it can be used in third party products. This is seen as a key step in perpetuating the human species.
The Ball 'n Chain licence will allow strictly limited use of the DNA on a single machine. The Arkansas licence allows unlimited use on multiple machines as long as they are within the same household. The Catholic licenses provides unlimited use on a single machine, and the Mormon license provides unlimited use on multiple machines.
Each license comes bundled and preinstalled with Internet Explorer and Windows Media Player.

You can now enjoy e-dunant.com while on the go. Whether you are out looking for a job, picking up your unemployment cheque, or just popping down to the stationary shop to pickup materials for your suicide note, e-dundant.com is just a few taps away. It's easy, just point your PDA at pda.edundant.com.
Note: Site optimised for slow monochrome Palm Pilots with serial cables, such as most sacked dotcom losers have, and may appear slightly distorted on devices sold within this millennium.

New Horizon Systems of Worland Wyoming announced on Monday that the company is contemplating bankruptcy. The four year old service provider is run by John Perkins, and his wife Sally. They provide connectivity to 300 Worland residents, or 100% of the population over five years of age. Since they started business in February 1998 the company has been profitable, charging $19.95/month for each of the 300 subscribers, with monthly overheads of about $1,400.
While New Horizon has no debt, no competition, perfectly balanced network capacity, and steady demand, Perkins said that he was contemplating filing for bankruptcy anyway. "Profitability, and good customer relations don't equate to success for a technology company", explained Perkins. "Sure the $4,500 a month we make off this is more than the best combined income me and Sally have ever made in our lives. But that’s not the point. Unless we can come up with some harebrained scheme to dominate the world communications market, find some crooked investment banker to finance and IPO, loose billions of dollars, and then find a strategic partner to merge with, I really don't see any long term viability for the company. Besides, these days if you’re an ISP and not contemplating bankruptcy no one is going to take you seriously anyway.

Unemployed webpage designer Andrew Johnson announced Friday that he will be restating earnings for fiscal 2000 and 2001. In an announcement made at McGhee's Iris Pub, Johnson stated that the move was made in order to establish credit worthiness, and clear the air with investors
"Guys, I'm fucked." started Johnson. "Remember two yeas ago when I told you Amazon had started me on telecommuting? It's all a lie. I was shit-canned in the first round of layoffs. I thought I could make it through. The economy was supposed to turn around, and I knew that when it did that my theoretical knowledge and lack of hands on experience would once again be in demand. I managed to get by with things like printing this here menu, and doing the web page for Todd's mom's real-estate company. The webpage for Jeff and Judy's wedding site was supposed to carry me through June, but now that she has come out as a lesbian all bets are off. Please, please help me!"
Few of Johnson's friends were impressed or moved by his appeal. "What a fucking loser." said Steve, a long time critic of Andy's claims of solvency. "The last two years he's always going on about how he has such a great job, an expensive flat, how he's going here and there, doing this and that. It's like 'Hey Andy, when ya getting that new iPaq you were talking about. Or hey, Andy, nice Motorola, do they still make that model? Or hey Andy, those four for $100 shirts at the Gap are truly the height of fashion. Or hey Andy, if your so fucking posh why are you always scrounging for cab fare; and twice it should cost you to get home as well."
Brad, Dave, and Peter also agreed that Johnson was a fucking loser.

Holy See - Pope John Paul II, emissary for the Almighty Lord thy God Saviour of Mankind, announced Thursday a sweeping range of cost cutting measures including layoffs, aimed at improving the efficiency of the Catholic church. The Pope assured shareholders that these changes were necessary to achieve profitability, which is expected by Q3 2003. This will end nearly two thousand years of operation as a non-profit organisation. Under the restructuring plan priests will loose some of their perks, resulting in the layoff of 5,000 alter boys and choir boys. The church also expects to benefit from greatly reduced expenditures on petroleum jelly.

The US stock market surged Wednesday on an earnings announcement from high-tech bellwether Cisco. Using the same dodgey accounting practices Cisco has used for the past five years the company easily topped Wall Street earnings estimates. Galvanised by this concocted bullshit, droves of idiots invested their unemployment benefits, pushing the stock up by 24%. Share prices tumbled for the rest of the week, as it slowly became apparent that one veritably challenged earnings report could not compensate for thousands of companies losing money and teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. The effect was intensified on Friday as investors in San Jose were forced to sell shares due to a delay in the weekly food stamp mail out.

In a bid to boost domain sales ICANN has announced the new .CON top level domain. Dot CON is targeted at the single largest segment of the domain purchasing market, dotcom scammers trying to get rich off of stupid ideas. Like some of the other new TLDs, the .CON charter requires a registrant to fit certain criteria in order to claim a domain name. The company must be based on unsound business principals, have a completely fabricated business plan, and have plans to go public within the next six months. Special rates are to be offered for stupid sounding made up names that are not even words, such as Kazaa, Copernic, or anything starting with an "e". The .CON TLD will be managed by sc@mmers.com.

Kandahar - The Taleban Monday announced that they have filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy protection, less then three months after the destruction of the World Trade Centre in New York. Also Monday the Al Qaeda terrorist network announced that they have laid off 99% of their work force and will keep on only a skeleton crew of raghead nutters to maintain their sole remaining asset, a cave in the mountains somewhere in southern Afghanistan. Taleban Supreme leader Mulla Mohammed Omar explained that the Chapter 11 filing will give the Taleban time and the financial resources to continue the fight against the Evil Satan of America until it finds a strategic partner. Mulla placed the blame for the company's financial problems on George Bush, who has cut off their funding, and bombed the fuck out of the country. Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind behind the September 11th attacks has tried to raise additional funding by sending a video tape to Americas Funniest Home Videos in an attempt to win the US$10,000 grand prize. His submission failed to beat out that of a 2 year old Chihuahua named Pedro, and the US government has delayed airing of the episode. Bin Laden has gone into hiding working at a 7-11 somewhere in Los Angeles.